October 27th, 2000


(no subject)

Just got back from drinks with the BSS department. I can honestly say, it was a good time. I really think we need more of that. Melissa and I talked for about 30 minutes in her car about the state of the company and how our departments are like a family. I really think that's true. I remember in my Human Relations class we talked about how we extend our families to our work place.

We all get along really well. Dave, myself, Karen, Tony, Travis, etc. There isn't that feeling at all in my department. There is nothing from my department. It's very negative. I've taken the attitude that I have to do what I have to do, for myself, and not for the company. I don't feel motivated to do anything for the company the way I am being treated. The only way I can get work done is to motivate myself, no one else is motivating me. It shouldn't be that way.

So we discussed how our departments work, how we feel about each other, french maid outfits, and Paul leaving. It's amazing what impact little things like that have on a person. Amazing I have any emotion at all, especially at work. I think if you want to be a well rounded person that's the way it has to be. There are a lot of things missing at work, and I don't know the solution to a lot of them. I talk about all the problems, but I don't have any solutions. I tell myself that I'm just a technician and it's not my job to find solutions. I don't know if that's going to cut it anymore.

You can only be negative so long before it just drains you completely. I miss Paul, I miss the whole attitude and "aire" we used to have at work. It's just not there, instead it's been replaced by the foul stench of negativity. You just can't work in that atmosphere, it's counter-productive. I think maybe I blame to much on that. Dave seems to dwell on that a lot, and I used to do the same thing. But you get no where, it doesn't make me a better person or help my work get done. I have to find strength within, I have to make my own motivation.

It's just getting harder and harder. I told Melissa (and myself) that if things have changed drastically in six months that I won't be able to do it anymore. I can put up with a lot, and I have. I'm willing to give it some time, let some dust settle and see if things get working, but if they haven't then I will make no excuses and I will look elsewhere. There is a lot of opportunity out there, I should tap into it.

Several people at work have told me that the work I do is highly under valued, and it's probably is. I know I'm worth more money then I get paid for. I have a hard time with that because I make pretty good money, it's just that I don't get what I deserve. It's good to hear that from fellow employees, means they care. Doesn't solve the problem. My problem isn't with those employees, it's with the few others and almost all of the management.

Motivation should come from above, we should be lead by a good leader. Not pushed or pulled kicking and screaming. I hope things change soon, if they don't I have a support system at work I will just have to use that. And in six months I will reevaluate.